Today more than ever, the world struggles with the concept of healthy masculinity. We seem to be crystal clear on what toxic masculinity is, i.e., anything badbut trying to define what positive masculinity looks like (or if it even exists) isnt agreed upon.
And our lack of definition extends beyond our vocabulary, extending into a dearth of positive masculine role models and leaders. Yesterday we embraced Jordan Peterson, while Andrew Tate seems all the rage today.
Even though we disagree on a lotfrom what it means to be a man to who is an ideal manthere are tropes and ideas which resonate with almost all men. One theme that most agree on is that a strong, positive man includes stepping up as a guide and leader for his wife, family, and self.
As men, we consider it our job, our duty, to support those in our carephysically, financially, and emotionally. When we marry, we dont see our wife as our partner, but as a precious soul we are now responsible for. This includes helping her in all aspects of life, including offering her guidance and support when she needs it most.
So when she is suffering, we hope and wish from the depth of our hearts that our words, guidance, and suggestions can fix it. Can take her pain away and dry her tears. Can bring a smile back to her beautiful face and make her forget her troubles. We want her to be happy, and we want to make her happy. This is our charge, mission, and purpose as a man, specifically as her husband. And when that doesnt happen, we consider ourselves a failure.
One of lifes harshest lessons is that as powerful as we are, as smart, good-looking, business savvy, and successful as we are, we are not nearly in control as much as we believe. Business deals go south, opportunities are squandered, and mistakes are made that can never be reversed.
Selling my Apple stock at $80 a share back in 2008 is one example. But that $4,160,943.47 (as of today, but whos counting?) mistake pales compared to some of the words I have uttered to my own father, which in turn pales compared to the mistakes Ive made as a parent. As humans, and even as men, we dont have all the answers and cant give all the right solutions. Although we pride ourselves on being leaders, we cannot lead everyone out of their own issues and problems.
This hits hardest when applied to your soulmate, your dearest wife. Because more than anything, we want to help, soothe, and ease her pain. Yet sometimes, we cant. Sometimes, she has to sort out her issues for herself and address her concerns on her own. Many of her struggles started well before you knew each other and are not problems you can make go away, as much as we wish that were true.
It doesnt mean you are a failure or cant be of help. You can support and express confidence in her overcoming her fears and anxiety. You can offer her guidance when asked, knowing that some of your ideas may hit the mark while others wont. For years I would offer unsolicited advice and become insulted when not heeded. Today, Im more sensitive and subtle when I share my thoughts: This may not work for you, but this is what I would do You may want to consider this approach When that happened to me, this is how I handled it or Have you ever considered trying this? These are gentle ways of sharing without forcing.
But more than any advice, thoughts, or solutions, you can be there for her, by her side, holding her, believing in her, and loving her. Ultimately, this will give her the strength to carry on and face the challenges yet to come. Because she didnt marry you for your answersshe married you for your heart. And thats one gift you can always give as a strong, masculine man.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You Can't Take Away Her Pain - The Good Men Project