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Given that Matt Hancock is currently failing to reach his own targets oncoronavirustesting and ventilators, failing to have much of a clue how many thousands of people are dying from undiagnosed coronavirus in an unknown number of care homes, and failing to provide the proper protective equipment to prevent NHS doctors and nurses dying at work, youd think he perhaps wasnt looking forward to facing the first ever video conference-based version of the Health Select Committee.

But nothing could be further from the truth. Its week four oflockdown now and, according to sources, the atmosphere has become so tense in the Hancock household that even two hours being torn to shreds over the laptop comes as a welcome relief.

The decision to hold parliamentary hearingsover popular video conferencing service Zoom has been criticised by internet security experts since the moment it was announced, and it turns out they were right, as Russian hackers have leaked these extraordinary transcripts from Mr Hancocks house, recorded just moments before the meeting began.

Sharing the full story, not just the headlines

Matt why havent you emptied the dishwasher?

Darling, I recognise, just as you do, that the dishwasher needs to be emptied. That is why today I am launching my five-pillar plan for dishwasher emptying. No dishwasher can hope to be emptied without engaging the plates, the cutlery, the mugs and the cereal bowls. Everyone must play their part. I get it. And that is why I am saying, today, that by the end of the month, that dishwasher will be empty.

Matt, I know youre busy but I cant do all the home schooling by myself. I just cant. Youre going to have to help.

Listen, since this crisis began, my sole focus has been on ensuring that you do not become overwhelmed. If you cant cope, that has knock-on effects for the whole family. That is why, today, I am launching my six-point Mini Hancock battle plan.

Point 1. Switch on the telly. Point 2. Put Paw Patrol on. Point 3. Go back to staring at my phone. Point 4. OK, point 4 well worry about later, because by the time were on to Point 2, Ill have launched a new seven-point plan anyway. But the point is this.I get it. I hear you. We will get through this crisis if we all do our bit.

Matt, I know youre the secretary of state for health at a time of the worlds biggest ever public health emergency, and compared to you, I am nothing, but its still your turn to take the bins out. Im not doing it again.

Look, I want you to know that you are valued in what you do. People like you are the backbone of the Hancock household. And that is why, today, I am giving you a very, very small badge, with the word BINWOMAN written on it in tiny letters. To give you the recognition that you deserve.

Matt, your mother phoned. She said, when you do the Health Select Committee thing later, and they ask you why youve not sorted out the testing, or the PPE, or the ventilators, or the care homes, or anything else, just try and give a proper answer. Dont just come out with some new load of old crap about six-point plans and five-point pillars and three-point turns and all the rest of it. No one believes a word of it, she said. She said youre just making a wally of yourself.

OK, tell her, Im going to level with her. The results on the Basic Credibility Of Her Son front are not where they should be. But that is why I am setting a new target, today, to stop talking complete bollocks, completely, by the end of April. As I said last week, we cannot get a grip on all the bollocks until we have a clear picture of where it is coming from. We have now completed that phase of the plan and we are now clear that the bollocks is coming from me.

Tell her that today I can announce that I have launched an independent inquiry into whether this new terrible outbreak of complete bollocks may even have escaped from a special Chinese bollocks laboratory that was secretly set up inside the UK secretary of state for health, which is to say, me.

A rose is delivered by drone to a woman on Mother's Day in Jounieh, Lebanon

AFP/Getty

Women dance on their balcony as a radio station plays music for a flash mob to raise spirits in Rome

Reuters

A skeleton stands on a balcony in Frankfurt, Germany

AP

The film Le ragazze di Piazza di Spagna is projected on a building in Rome

AP

A woman uses a basket tied to a rope to pull a delivery of groceries up to her balcony in Naples, Italy

EPA

DJ Francesco Cellini plays for his neighbours from the rooftop terrace of his flat block in Rome

Reuters

A woman gestures from her balcony in Barcelona

EPA

Cellist Karina Nunez performs for her neighbours at the balcony of her flat in Panama City

Reuters

DJ Nash Petrovic live streams a set from his roof in Brooklyn

Reuters

People applaud medical workers from their balconies in Modiin, Israel

Reuters

A Brooklyn resident relaxes in a hammock hung on their balcony

Reuters

Residents toast during a "safe distance" aperitif time between neighbours in Anderlecht, Belgium

Reuters

Musician Adam Moser plays for neighbours from his balcony in Budapest, Hungary

Reuters

A man and his son on their balcony in Brooklyn

Reuters

A man sits alone on a roof terrace in Rome

Reuters

A rose is delivered by drone to a woman on Mother's Day in Jounieh, Lebanon

AFP/Getty

Women dance on their balcony as a radio station plays music for a flash mob to raise spirits in Rome

Reuters

A skeleton stands on a balcony in Frankfurt, Germany

AP

The film Le ragazze di Piazza di Spagna is projected on a building in Rome

AP

A woman uses a basket tied to a rope to pull a delivery of groceries up to her balcony in Naples, Italy

EPA

DJ Francesco Cellini plays for his neighbours from the rooftop terrace of his flat block in Rome

Reuters

A woman gestures from her balcony in Barcelona

EPA

Cellist Karina Nunez performs for her neighbours at the balcony of her flat in Panama City

Reuters

DJ Nash Petrovic live streams a set from his roof in Brooklyn

Reuters

People applaud medical workers from their balconies in Modiin, Israel

Reuters

A Brooklyn resident relaxes in a hammock hung on their balcony

Reuters

Residents toast during a "safe distance" aperitif time between neighbours in Anderlecht, Belgium

Reuters

Musician Adam Moser plays for neighbours from his balcony in Budapest, Hungary

Reuters

A man and his son on their balcony in Brooklyn

Reuters

A man sits alone on a roof terrace in Rome

Reuters

Dominic Cummings has read a big book on Chinese Spies and he reckons Jeremy Hunts wifes done it. Eamonn Holmes was talking about it on the telly this morning. Says its got something to do with a giant lasagne theyre making inside Wembley Stadium.

All I can say is that until that inquiry has concluded, please tell mum Ill do my best.

******

Hello secretary of state, its Jeremy Hunt here. Thank you for joining us today. Can you tell us why itisthat France estimates that 50 per cent of its Covid-19 deaths have happened in care homes, and your estimates put the figure in the UK at two per cent. Thats just not realistic, is it?

Well chair, what I can tell you is that today I am launching a twenty-two-sided triangle for social care, we are ramping upthat triangle and by the end of the month, it may even be a nine-point square. In the meantime, it is very important that

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Matt Hancock has no answers for anything but he does have a six-point plan and a very small badge - The Independent